Bring Joy

I was in a car accident last Friday. It was at night, it was raining and it was my fault. Both boys were with me at the time and the collision happened on Coen's side of the car. The boys didn't even know it happened, the contact was so minimal, but I was horror stricken by what might have happened. I've relived it in my mind numerous times since, with a devastating twist at the end.

Of course, I told myself, and anyone who would listen, that I'd be driving like a timid old lady from then on. But then...I didn't. I mean, I've been careful, and several times even reminded myself to sit up straighter and pay attention, but I've found myself more than once sliding into that driving trance that is so easy to fall into. Does anyone else do that? Where I'm driving roads that I'm familiar with. I'm not hyper alert, I'm not on the edge of my seat. I'm not gripping the steering wheel with both hands...in short, I'm not where I said I'd be.

This is a definite character flaw with me. I forget things way too easily. Here's a (silly, but true) example: I'll be carrying my keys towards the house and repeating to myself "I'm going to hang these keys up right when I walk inside. I'm not going to lose them again." Then somehow while taking that last step from the stairs to the house I lose the thought and next thing I know I find my keys in the back of the refrigerator and I'm fifteen minutes late for something important.

I WANT to do better. I want to remember all of the things I want to remember (hug Fintan instead of losing your temper; sing to Coen don't sit in silence) without them rattling around and getting lost in the hubbub of my brain. So I've decided to try to replace all of the noise in my head, the checklist of how to be a better person and a better mommy, with one phrase: "Bring Joy". Only two words so even I shouldn't forget. Bring joy to my kids. Bring joy to my husband. Bring joy to my friends and to strangers. That encompasses the most important of my to-do list anyway---even the car rides because it will certainly bring me and my husband joy to keep our kids safe! Bring Joy.

And let go of the superstitions. Acting happy will not bring misfortune upon me and my family. Being happy won't call down Fate's wrath (plug your ears, Fate). Life is so fragile and it's so important to live it joyfully. I'm going to start now.

As for my keys? Well, I'll just have to hire a personal assistant.